to be alive

what does it mean to be alive?

I feel like most people think being alive means their presence, their ability to be here right now, standing in front of you, and not in a grave.

And they’re right I guess. But I don’t see many people living their life as if they’re truly alive.

To me, being alive is so much more. As far as I know this is the one chance I get at being here, in this moment, at this time. So if I have one shot at this, why do I bother to care what people think of me.

I used to let the fear of what people think of me control my thoughts and actions. I mean quite literally before I did almost anything I’d think to myself “will I be judged for this?” I think I can confidently say I have a much better mindset now, but at the same time I can’t deny that this is something I still struggle with.

For a while, I lied to myself. I constantly told myself that I didn’t give a fuck what people thought, yet subconciously I was still terrified of others perception of me. And to be honest, I’m not smart enough to identify that. It took a fuck ton of therapy. And with that, being called out on all my bullshit that I couldn’t see.

I was also lucky enough to be surrounded by people who not only made me feel comfortable with myself but also didnt give a fuck themselves. They taught me how to live life the right way. Their confidence rubbed off onto me and I began to start doing things that I’ve always been too self conscious to do.

I started dancing on bridges (to doses and mimosas obviously), having champagne picnics in my front yard, and dancing in the rain.

And imma be honest, people think I’m fucking psychotic when they see me, but it’s so fucking fun that I don’t care at this point. I mean I dressed up as a fucking todler for Halloween. Do you think if I left my room with that on I really care what people think? You should see how I pull up to class everyday, I look fucking homeless.

But anyways, treating life in a way that has meaning, that being self fulfillment, is what keeps me going each and every day.

I’ve talked about some of the things I struggle with mentally on here before, but I can confidently say that living my life without worrying about others has definitely helped me a lot. Obviosuly I cant fuck up my future but I have to remeber I’m also a teen. This is such an important part of my story and looking back I can't believe I let bitches I didn't know or wasn't even friends with try and ruin that for me.

Being alive is so much more than one’s existence, it’s how you choose to live your life. You and I may have different versions of what we find fun or what brings us that indescribable feeling of joy. And I can't describe that feeling, it's almost a step up from happiness- I take that back, it is a step up from happiness- but it's the best feeling in the world. And I hope everyone gets to experience this feeling sometime in their life.

So with all of that said, please go live your life. Don't worry about people you don't even know or people you aren't close with. You’re the main character, you control your life, and it’s up to you to direct your own movie.

Thank y’all again for taking the time to read this. Make sure to tell your friends about the blog and send it to your grandparents. I love you all and go follow my instagram for more content and updates on new blogs.