one step at a time.

This last week has been rough.

I don’t understand why it’s one thing after another for me. As soon as one issue gets fixed (to an extent) another one pops up.

Now I’m just kinda traumatized from recent events. Well not kinda, I’m actually traumatized as fuckkk. But not trauma as in “oh my god I’m traumatized from seeing that dead frog”, like actual fucking trauma. It’s indescribable. Like real depression is already hard enough to explain to y’all mf who don’t have issues, but this shit is incomparably harder.

When I usually try to describe depression to people I say it’s this feeling of emptiness and loneliness, but also this deep sadness that’s always pressing on you and makes anything you do unenjoyable. But even saying all that isn’t enough for anyone normal to understand what depression really feels like.

Trauma’s a completely different feeling. I don’t even know if I’d call it a feeling.

It’s even harder for me to describe because I’d use the same description as depression but it’s so different, or at least for me it is. It’s almost emotionless but not. It feels like an anxiety attack 24/7, I’m constantly shaking, scared, and incapable of doing almost anything. I have uncontrollable breakdowns throughout the whole fucking day and when I’m not crying I’m a vegetable. And what I mean by vegetable is that I feel nothing, there’s no emotion there, no thoughts, I literally just sit there staring off into space as I continue to shake.

And the shaking is even subconscious. I don’t have to be thinking about what happened to be shaking, it’s just there. It’s actually so bad that before I go to bed my whole body aches and cramps from shaking all day. It’s been five fucking days since everything happened, and nothing has changed. It’s literally 3pm as I’m writing this and my whole body already hurts. It’s a living hell.

I assume trauma is different for everyone that has it, but I’m pretty certain the pounding anxiety I feel is common between us all. It never stops and I don’t even know if I’d use the word anxiety to describe it, just because it’s so much worse. Not only does my body hurt from shaking but my chest too. My heart is constantly pounding even when I’m just sitting down doing nothing.

And before yall start commenting on this, yes I have a therapist. I have too many other issues to not have one.

Per usual she was extremely helpful when I talked to her a few days ago, but even practicing the coping mechanisms and remembering what she told me is almost impossible. I know it’ll take time to get better but right now it doesn’t feel that way.

I can’t get any of it to stop, it’s out of my control.

I don’t know why I’m so scared. I mean I do but even when I know I’m safe I’m still terrified.

Like right now I’m alone in my dorm room, which you need a key to get in, but even with the door locked and me hiding under my bed writing this I still feel unsafe.

I had high hopes that today would be better but shit I don’t know why I even bothered thinking that, nothing seems to be changing.

Getting myself to leave my room is so fucking hard. I’ve left maybe four times in the last five days, and on top of that I can’t get myself to eat. I’m getting skinny as fuck and when I force myself to eat my stomach hurts like a bitch, which again I assume is tied to my anxiety. I’m even on anxiety medicine, but since recent shit happened it dosen’t even do anything.

I love all my friends here but none of them really understand how much this whole situation has affected me, despite me trying to tell them. Actually I take it back, I have one friend that does, but that’s it. And I understand that right now I’m a pain in the ass to be with because like I said I’m a vegetable and I have breakdowns by the hour, but especially right now I just need to be with someone at times. Everyone just wants to go out every night, which I get but like-

I don’t know, I didnt think staying back one night was too much to ask for. But that might just be me.

I also dont know If I’m learning more about myself through this or if I’ve just changed. Like last night, everyone went out, per usual, but staying back was so enjoyable for me (despite the shaking and all the other shit). I don’t know if it’s my anxiety or my inner introvert but I have no desire to go out again. Anyways we’ll see how long that last. But I don’t really go out that much anymore anways, clubs and bars are too repetative and lowkey just boring as fuck.

I’m staying sober for awhile, which is probaly best but I’m enjoying it sooooo fucking much. I do miss my pinot noir, but I consider wine the healthy and organic type of alcohol so it’s different, but I’m still taking time off from that too. Lowkey I just wanna stay sober and keep doing creative shit on my own. I might fuck up my whole social life but at this point I don’t give a fuck, time alone with myself is more fufilling than anything else.

UGHHHHHH FUCKKK. I’m actually so sorry. I wanna tell y’all what It was that happened to cause all this soooo fucking bad, but I just can’t right now. Even reading over this is hard for me just because it’s missing so much. It’s all because of legal reasons though. I actually don’t give a fuck who knows, I just need to make sure I can even talk about it.

I’m trying to find different things I can do to help me get better. The last couple days I’ve put such a big emphasis on self care and routine but as I said nothings working right now, but I still really fuck with the two so imma keep doing that.

I don’t know how many of you guys will even be able to relate to this shit, maybe when I share my story later in time more people will, but even if just one person can feel less alone after reading this then I’m happy.

I also don’t have any advice. I mean fuck, if anything I need advice. I’m still trying to figure out what the fuck is even happening. I still comprehend any of this shit.

However, right now my goal is to just keep fighting. Yes I’ve lost hope, but oh well. Like what were you really expecting, me to be a inspirational king? Nah.

But for real, before I can give any advice, better yet know what my own advise is, I still need to figure out how to move forward. And right now, it’s just one step at a time.

Thank y’all again for taking the time to read this. Make sure to tell your friends about the blog and send it to your grandparents. I love you all and go follow my instagram for more content and updates on new blogs.