give me a fucking break
As I’m sitting here laying in bed I just realized it’s October 12th. Today marks a day I really never thought I’d make it to. Today marks one year of having Type 1 Diabetes.
To be quite honest I didn’t think this would be an emotional day, but here I am bawling my eyes out.
I truly didn’t think I’d make it this far. So much has happened this past year that I never thought it would end.
… I started this blog post on my diaversary (the day I was diagnosed with type 1) back in October. But I just couldn’t get myself to finish it. I genuinely just had no idea what I wanted to say, how I wanted to communicate my experience even further, and help raise more awareness for this disease. However, fast forward to today and I feel so defeated by this shit.
It’s been an ongoing thing but today was really my breaking point.
Essentially I just had quite literally one of the worst days of my life. Basically I shaved and tapered (which means rested for two weeks) for this huge swim meet and the whole time I’ve been here my blood sugar has been going low every fucking 30 minutes. I’d literally eat so much god damn sugar and my blood sugar would go up… then come right back down plummeting me to the worst feeling in the world, hypoglycemia (low blood sugar).
I’m actually so done with this shit. I broke down today, crying my eyes out in front of everyone. I just don’t understand why I was dealt such a bad hand and more importantly how other diabetics live with this shit for the rest of their life. Holy fuck, it’s only been a year and I don’t think I can do it anymore.
I feel so empty and helpless. I feel defeated. And to be honest I don’t know what to do. I’m over it all.
I’m over waking up every morning and not knowing how my body is going to treat me like.
I’m over giving myself 10 fucking shots a day.
I’m over the highs and the lows that no matter how hard I try I cant control.
I’m over getting shit and having the image that I dont try nor care about swimming or school when my blood sugar is being difficult and I have to sit out.
I’m over the ignorance.
I’m over people that dont have this disease trying to give me advise and tell me what to do.
I’m over having to check my blood sugar all the fucking time.
I’m over feeling like shit 80-90% of the time im alive
And although there are other type 1 diabetics out there who are so supportive and can relate to my experiences I just feel like everyone’s story is so different that although we all can relate we also can’t.
I just feel so alone.
I mean one of my biggest passions, swimming, seems almost impossible right now. And on top of that, I’ve had so many motherfuckers telling me “oh you’ll figure it out, it just takes time” WELL BITCH IT’S BEEN OVER A YEAR AND I STILL HAVEN’T FIGURED THIS SHIT OUT. Since being diagnosed with this shit I’m so inconsistent with the sport. I just cant go fast. And because the last year has been especially hard for swimming I start to question if I’ll ever be good again. I’ve lost all hope and I just don’t know If I really believe anyone when they say that it’ll get easier.
Swimming aside, life is just a fucking toll now. It always takes me a couple more steps to accomplish anything in life compared to yall normal people.
I don’t know what to do.
I just want it to end.
I don’t understand why I had to get stuck with this?
Like the fuck. Why me?
I just want a break from it all. I’m seriously not strong enouph for this. Please, just give me a fucking break.
Thank y’all again for taking the time to read this. Make sure to tell your friends about the blog and send it to your grandparents. I love you all and go follow my instagram for more content and updates on new blogs.