for once, stop thinking.

Looking back at this year has been hard. I mean fuck, looking back at the last couple years has been tough for us all.

But it’s weird, because I wouldn’t change a thing.

I’ve had a lot of time to think lately. Like a lot.

I mean I’m always thinking. I’m constantly analyzing everything that’s put in front of me, questioning every thought and perspective out there for my own understanding. But today, today was different.

Today I stopped thinking.

It’s kinda funny how much someone can learn from not thinking. Sounds dumb as fuck and to be quite honest it is. But it’s actually so dumb that it works.

I’ve always told myself “I’ve just been dealt a bad hand” and it’s true, I have, we all have. But that’s besides the point.

More recently I’ve been basking in this sense of pity for myself, it’s almost this feeling of subconscious sorrow. I just can’t comprehend why its always me? why can’t I get a fucking break?

I mean this year has by far been the worst fucking year of my life. It’s been the worst year of a lot of people’s lives.

And what’s even harder is to accept that we have no control over any of it.

So why the fuck do bad things keep happening to us?

I know you’ve thought this before, don’t fucking lie to me or yourself, you’ve done it and you still do, we all do it.

But do you see what I mean, we’re always thinking, constantly analyzing and questioning what’s been given to us. By no means is it a bad thing, but ironically it dosen’t get you anywhere. The more you ponder about any hardship you’ve ever encountered, the more you question, and the more you question the more complex the puzzle gets, pushing you farther and farther away from an answer.

For me, the last couple years have seemed to just get harder and harder.

In 2019 I had a cancer scare for a couple months, which in turn let to hip surgery, and having to learn to walk again (the tumor ended up being benign). Shit took me around a year, maybe even a little more to get back to where I was. It destroyed me physically but even more so mentally.

In 2020 I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. FUCKING TYPE 1 DIABETES. Like how? I didnt even know what that was before all this. It changed my life completely. No literally it changed my whole lifestyle. I can’t even begin to explain to any of you just how much it wrecked me. Breakdown after breakdown and I still couldn’t fathom what had just happened.

In 2021 my mental health started deteriorating faster than ever. I began to understand what depression really felt like as it lingered for months. Later in the year I became manic and had to go to the hospital, only later to be diagnosed as bi-polar. The struggle of figuring out my medicine, controlling my ups and downs, and taking care of myself is still something I’m figuring out to this day, and it hasn’t gotten easier.

People around me have always told me “You’re only given what you can take” or “It’s all because you’re strong enough”, but that’s such bullshit.

No one is given what they can take, if that were the case hardships would be more like inconveniences. Someone might come out of something way stronger but that dosen’t mean they were strong enough to handle it all. I still get defeated, I mean I’m still not strong enough to power through diabetes every single day of my life, and I havent met a single diabetic who is.

There’s this common notion that every obstacle in life is there to make you stronger. I disagree, I don’t think thats the point of hardships. The saying is right to an extent, challenges will without a doubt make you stronger but that’s not why they’re there.

We ponder on the negative aspects of every situation and in turn invalidate the things that’ve made life so amazing. This is gonna make me sound like a mom, but you have to recognize the good that comes from each situation, because that’s why these things happen. I don’t believe the best things in life just come out of nowhere, that’s called luck.

It’s kinda like the butterfly effect.

butterfly effect

The phenomenon whereby small changes in initial conditions can lead to large-scale and unpredictable variation in the future.

We won’t always be able to see exactly the good that comes out of these situations but more so our life after them. These moments define us, without them our life would be completely different.

Of course, sometimes there are immediate consequences or lessons you learn that you can see right away, but those still make up the larger picture.

Going back to my life,

In 2019, during the months leading up to and following surgery, I realized who my closest friends were. In fact, I became so close with my friends that the 5 people who supported me the most during that time are the only 5 people I keep in contact with from highschool. They’re my forever support system, they mean the world to me and I wouldn’t be here without any of them.

Yes I did learn a lesson from that; however, since then, these friends have shaped me into who I am, without their huge presence in my life, I wouldn’t be the same.

In 2020 and 2021, I undeniably matured as a person, but without everything that happened over these years I again wouldn’t be who I am or where I am today.

I undoutedly had the worst year of my life, there’s no question about it, but I also had the best year of my life.

When you start to appreciate the worst moments in your life you start to recognize more of the amazing ones. So for once, stop thinking. Stop questioning why each and every bad thing in life happens, it just does and you have to learn to be okay with that. I’m not saying it gets easier, because it doesn’t. But I am saying looking back you have to appreciate why these things happen, because they’re why you’re here today.

Thank y’all again for taking the time to read this. Make sure to tell your friends about the blog. I love you all and go follow my instagram for more content and updates on new blogs.