it’s not defeat, it’s just change

So basically I quit swim…

But like are we really that surprised??? I mean I’m not.

And it’s not that I hated swimming, I actually loved it, it was just- lol imma be that bitch that makes you keep reading to find out why.

Anywayssss, swimming was apart of my life for as long as I can remember. No like actually, I don't remember shit before first grade.

It consumed my life. So much so that I didn’t even have a life for awhile, but I was okay with that because I was so in love with the sport.

As we all know I’m diabetic, I mean how would you not know it’s literally my only personality trait lol. But even to this day I still really struggle with it. Which again, we all fucking know because I also over share on the internet. But since being diagnosed, swimming has by far been the biggest barrier put in front of me.

And after being diagnosed with diabetes swimming just wasnt the same, it fucked me physically, mentally, and all in all it just sucked the fun out of the sport.

Something that used to be so therapeutic for me all of a sudden became the topic in therapy.

Since coming to college I’ve lost 30 pounds. 30 FUCKING POUNDS. Swimming fucked my blood sugar more than I could keep up. I was going low by the hour. And I don’t know if y'all understand the science behind diabetes but when your blood sugar is low it means there’s too much insulin in you, and in order to combat that your body starts to break down fat or if you’re me and you already have no fat you break down your muscle. So on top of burning thousands of calories a day my body was also breaking down itself.

I also need fat for my devices too. If I dont have fat I’m injecting my insulin and dexcom (CGM: constant glucose monitor) into my muscle, which hurts like a fucking bitch.

Not to mention the mental toll all that shit took on me.

Pre-diabetic me would’ve lovedddd college swimming. This wouldve been my fucking shit.

And I miss it, like really fucking bad. But I don't miss swimming as in college swimming, well college swimming has nothing to do with it actually, it’s just that I miss swimming before diabetes. Shit used to be soooo fucking fun. Like I was so okay with slaving my time for that sport and having absolutely no social life. It was all I knew how to do. And I could've been good as fuckkkk if shit didn't keep happening to me, and that’s what's hard.

Diabetes took the one thing I loved more than anything in life from me.

I’m a newbie to diabetes, but I’m also a newbie to mental struggles. Well… I’ve had them, I’m just diagnosed now lol. But what I’m trying to say is that I’m also learning how to maintain my happiness. I can confidently say I’ve grown and matured a lot through all this but I still have a lot of work to do and swimming just isn't something I balance on top of all that.

And even though my mindset has been pretty good since quitting I’m still struggling to accept that it’s over. I feel defeated as fuckkkkkk.

Even writing this I’m questioning myself. Like Im fucking crying, I’m serisouly sitting here crying because the one thing I knew how to do in life is over, it’s gone, all because of this fucking disease.

Everything seems to come back to diabetes. I swear to god I literally cry on the daily because every single fucking day this disease seems to fuck me over.

I try to think of it more as change than defeat (besides right now). This disease did not defeat me, it just made some life changes that opened new doors and opportunities. Like now I can go abroad, I can hang with my non-athlete friends more (which I’m just realizing I’m one of them now), and I have more time to focus on myself and my mental health. Which is good.

For a while I didn’t wanna quit because I didnt wanna feel like this disease won, I wanted to overcome this shit and add another sick story to the list. But, most diabetic collegiate athletes have had this disease much longer than me, they already have this shit figured out. Me? I still dont even know what the fuck I’m doing in and out of the pool. And figuring all this out is not a quick process, especially when swimming makes it harder to figure out in my personal life, which is my priority right now.

Swimming is just something that just isn't right for me right now, I need to figure out a LOT of things about myself before I can pour any of my focus into the sport.

And honestly the biggest thing for me was I just don't enjoy it anymore. It affected me when I wasnt swimming and made managing my blood sugar throughout the day a living hell.

Working out drops my blood sugar every single fucking practice and having to get out to eat soemthing and wait for my bloodsugar to come back up killed me. I loved the adrenaline of pushing myself through hard sets, and having to stop mid set was so fucking annoying yall. Seriously one of the most frustrating things. Not to mention it randomly decides to fuck me over all the time.

Like during state finals senior year, my blood sugar dropped tand after I ate literally a couple jolly ranchers it went up really high which fuckes with my body a lot. I got dead last in my heat during finals. Funny thing is, the next day in practice I went a time that would’ve got me second at state. And I was in a speedo, I had just finished a hard practice, and that time was a personal best. I went that during fucking practice. During fucking practice.

That following therapy appointment was something else!

Something else that was hard was I constantly got judgment from people who just dont get it, no one understands that I don’t wanna get out, I just have to if I wanna live. And the judgment from literally EVERYONE I’ve swam with since getting diagnosed FUCKED with me so much. I’d literally hear people talking shit about me, people who were slower than me and younger than me. Like bitch, know your fucking place.

I say I don’t care what people think of me but when it comes to swimming, the one thing I loved more than anything, I do care. I work my ass off and I don't want my support system to think I bs my way through it all.

The decision to step back was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. I’ve been thinking about it for over a year now. And I can confidently say I’ve had upwards of 50 breakdowns over swimming with diabetes. And I’m not exaggerating, if anything that number is on the low side.

But anyways, I did it for my own health, physically and mentally, and honeslty realizing that is mature as fuck of me.

And ya know what, my biggest goal in swimming was to swim D1, and I did it. It might not have worked out the way I dreamed of but I did it and that’s what matters.

A big decision like this isn’t easy. But sometimes you have to realize that even though you might not wanna do something or make a hard decision it’s for your best interest even when it’s hard to accept that.

So again, it’s not that I hated swim, it just wasn’t fit for me in this phase of my life. And that's okay.