solitude

the quality or state of being alone or remote from society

It’s literally a Friday night I should be going out right now, that’s my fucking shit. There is quite literally nothing more exhilarating than dancing to doses and mimosas and screaming every single word at the top of my lungs as I struggle to keep balance.

Usually when I don’t go out it's because I'm over it, doing the same shit every weekend, same clubs and bars, same people, same everything. I mean I've been doing this since high school, it's nothing new to me. But for some reason today is different.

As I’m sitting here alone I'm finding more contentedness than I've ever had with my friends, and to be quite honest I'm perfectly okay with that. It's not like I don't have options for tonight, I mean tonight could quite literally be one of the funniest nights Id have since coming to college if I went out. My school hired fucking Waka Flake Flame to perform and on top of that everyone is going to my favorite club on earth, like why wouldn’t I go out?!?!

Don't get me wrong I love my friends. I really do mean that. My friends literally bring me more joy than anything in this world. But for some reason, I'm so much more content laying here typing this than I would be with anyone else.

I try to give myself alone time, I feel like that's something that's really important to me. Obviously that's not as easy when I’m having to share a room but still, I find the time here and there.

I've talked about my struggles quite a bit on social media. I’m an open book. I could give two shits less what someone thought of me, it's part of who I am and there's nothing I can do to change that. Well besides meds, but I’m on that already though so really I mean there's nothing I can do to change who I am on meds.

But anyway, back to my struggles. Mood swings and depression are something that I really didn't experience heavily until this last year. I used to be perfect, well I still am but mentally I used to be on top of the world. Then one day, I learned that depression isn't the 10 minutes of sadness that you get when you aren't invited to the party. For so long I'd be going around telling everyone I was depressed because I didn’t wanna do my homework that night. Like who the fuck was I. Welllll, karmas a bitch and now here I am in the middle of a depressive episode trying to find ways to get me the fuck out.

I recently learned (and what I mean by recently is the revelation I had about 30 minutes prior to writing this), but that giving myself just as much time as I give my friends is just as important as surrounding myself with friends. I say I've known this, as I have, but really I never actually did or do give myself a healthy balance of me time, especially since coming to college.

I get so caught up in the craze of my ungodly amount of school work, being social, and all the other shit in college that I forget I even exist. That I'm my own being and I need my own company just as much as I need everyone else's.

I'm trying to find things that bring me joy that arent external. Which basically means things I can do on my own to make me happy rather than relying on something/someone else. My therapist told me to do that, I'm not smart enough to realize that but anyways this blogging thing is one of them. When I started typing this I kid you not I had so many tears built up in me that one more minor inconvenience and I would be done for.

My mood swings aren’t near as common as they used to be, might be the meds, might be my therapist helping me get sane, I don’t really fucking know. I'm grateful it isn't near as frequent as it used to be but damn the last two weeks have been a bitch. And on top of that the amount of bad shit I’ve had happen to me this last week hasn’t made it any better

I literally have a professor up my ass gaslighting me telling me that I use diabetes as an excuse to get around his class. I went into hypoglycemia once during his test and all of a sudden “I quit my test because I wasn't prepared”. Like what the actual fuck?!?!?

This last week I've been trying to find those external things that I can do by myself that bring me joy, still figuring out what else those things can be, but the ones I've found seem to be doing something. I've realized it's okay to be alone, there aren't many chances I get to be alone, especially in college, so why am I not taking advantage of that yet.

Alone time is so much more valuable than I could’ve ever guessed. It's a time to unwind, whether that's sitting on my bed on my phone, being creative and making content, or even trying new things that turns out I might enjoy. Obviously mood swings aren't something that I can control and there is no timeline as to when the day comes that I'll get out of it. However, sitting here in my bed alone on a Friday night has helped me finally realize something: my time with myself is equally important as my time with those around me.

As I'm wrapping this blog post up, it's incredible just how much my mood has changed. Sounds cliche but it really is the little things that make a big difference.

Even though I'm feeling better now I still don't plan on going out, I need at least one more weekend to reset and find myself again. Not to mention the hours of homework I have and the fine line my grades are riding right now.

I could be the only person who struggles with this shit, I don't really know. I'm not near as vulnerable on the internet about this side of me compared to my diabetes. But if you take one thing from this post, I cannot emphasize the importance of giving back to yourself. Just try it, you might be surprised.

Thank y’all again for taking the time to read this. Make sure to tell your friends about the blog and send it to your grandparents. I love you all and go follow my instagram for more content and updates on new blogs.